TJs first gift

I was able to use the funds that Jennifer Jones gave me last year for the first time this week. I was told about a family who was facing the eve of their babies birth, and what would also be its death. The news of this sucked my breath away, and I choked back my tears. I was taken back to TJ's birth, and the searing pain I felt as I kissed him for the last time here on earth, and placed him in his much too small coffin. I remembered shopping after his death, and trying not to fall apart as I watched other mom's holding babies, and wishing that I was holding my TJ. Every anniversary of his birth and death I think about what he would be like, and what his favorite things would be now. I imagine now that he would be telling me about his favorite superhero, and all of the things he would be learning in school. I thought about this woman and her husband, and the pain they were about to endure, and remembered lying in my bed for hours on end crying out the unfathomable pain of burying my new baby. The emptiness that filled the space where my TJ should be suckling at my breast, and cooing, then smiling, was too much, and I longed to be with him. It seemed impossible that that type of pain could be survived, and yet it was, and has been since the beginning of time. I miss him so much, and look forward to seeing him again. The following day as preparations for attending the funeral were made, I went into town and stood staring at the figurines in the store, deliberating about which one to buy. It was painful, and the tears began to flow freely, as I reminisced on the figurine that Jennifer and Blake Jones gave Tony and I at TJs funeral. I wanted to pick the perfect one, and tears of frustration came as I could no longer find the figurine that I had previously purchased, of a mother and father embracing, and holding their still little baby in their arms, looking down on it lovingly. I had five that I wanted to buy, because each one held a piece of the understanding I wanted to show this couple. The store clerk came up, and was clearly frustrated at my indecisiveness. I looked at her, and thought how lucky she was to not have the ability to understand this kind of pain. I finally made my selection, although imperfect, and delivered it. I will never meet this couple, but I hope that when they look at the figurine of the woman holding the infant, and looking down at it with love, that she will always know that someone out there understood her pain, and that for a moment the world stopped turning on its axis for me too. I rarely go deep enough into my thoughts to allow the pain to surface anymore. I am caught up in toddlers, and diapers, and raising TJs siblings. I have had moments when I knew he was near, and cherish those times. I look forward to seeing TJ again, and holding him in my arms, so that the vacuum, the emptiness created when I placed him in his coffin can be filled. I am grateful to Jennifer and Blake Jones for being a healing balm for my family. I am grateful to all who donate to Wrapped in Love. It was difficult to allow myself to revisit my pain, but knowing that I maybe made a small impact in lessening another's pain made reliving my own memories worth it. I have a lot of very sweet, sacred, memories from that time as well. My life was changed in an incredible way because of TJ, and I am so grateful that I was able to have him in my arms for even a small moment. I know it is easier when we see another's difficulties to think "what can I possibly do to help". Trust me, the kindness that you show others when they are suffering is remembered by them. It is like a warm ray of sunshine on a very dark, sunless day. Do not allow your own insecurities and fear keep you from reaching out to others, you may be the angel they have been praying for.

SHE WON!!!

Thank you Jennifer Jones and crew! I am now the recipient of one thousand dollars towards Wrapped in Love. Jennifer and I will be spending some fun time together this weekend to decide how to best use these funds. I am so grateful for her dedication, love, and support.

Merry Christmas

Well, it's been two years since I published anything to TJ's blog. I am so excited to announce that my good friend Jennifer Jones entered her gingerbread house into the Ivory Homes Gingerbread House contest this year, and is hoping to win and donate ONE THOUSAND dollars to Wrapped in Love. I am excited (and touched) to think of the impact this could have on families in the area who are experiencing unbelievable loss. I am ashamed to admit that part of the lack of posts was avoidance of my own pain. Remembering our short time with TJ is very bittersweet. I am grateful to Jennifer for helping us to keep him present with us over the last couple of years. She has been trying to get me to donate a tree to Festival of Trees in his name for two years, and each year on his birthday has helped with suggestions for donations to Primary Children's Medical Center. She has also prompted blankets being made on his behalf by sister's in her ward. I am very good at finding ways to stay busy in order to avoid emotional pain. I am feeling ready to embrace my loss and re-visit what was pain that cannot be expressed in words. I do not, nor have I ever felt TJ was lost to us. I feel his presence often, and enjoy the comfort and reminder of eternal relationships. It took me three hours to remember my login to this blog this morning, and am grateful for the inspiration that finally struck, and helped to remind me of my very simple password. I am frustrated with Blogger, their Customer Service team makes retrieving an inactive account almost impossible, but here I am. I am grateful to not only Jennifer Jones, but my children through her, and her husband Blake for their love and support. We love all of our family, and hope you have peace this holiday season. I hope that in the chaos and busy schedules during the holidays, we will take time to remember those less fortunate than us, and pray for inspiration on ways to bear some of their burdens. With love (and gratitude for account retrieval) Jenn

TJ is two this year

TJ was two years old this June 13th. I was in Texas finishing up my graduate program and did not do blankets on his birthday this year. I am beginning to knit squares for the Knit a Square nonprofit organization. You knit 8 inch squares and they are sent to Africa. Local women are paid to stitch the squares together into quilts for AIDS orphanages there. There are many ways I can honor our sons memory and his impact on our lives, finding ways to serve those in need of warmth and love is my way of continuing to nurture and love our TJ. If you would be interested in helping us with this please knit or crochet 8 in. squares, one or one hundred, its up to you, and help me to keep the memory of TJ alive by warming the lives of those who so desperately in need of love and nurturing and who so rarely receive it.

Love to you all,

Jennifer

Time to start collecting again

Hello friends and family,

I'd like to begin by thanking all of those who participated last year in collecting items for Wrapped in Love. I have decided to forego the 501c3 status for right now, apparently they are quite difficult to obtain due to the economic status in our country. For those of you that would like to continue to participate, I have an ammended list of needed items.

I spoke with Carolyn Kasteleter from Angel Watch last week. To remind you she is the director of the local perinatal hospice program. She stated that blankets are not really needed at this time. What they need desperately are cremation boxes, and burial gowns. She said that many of her clients deliver earlier than they expect and do not have items to bury VERY premature babies in. I am going to attach a link to a website that has patterns for 1-5 lb. premie gowns. Also, Carolyn said that Willowtree sells a 4x4 in. box that is beautiful and can be used to hold ashes. Although some of you may have personal beliefs that do not support cremation, couples are doing this as many of them are young college students and don't want to leave their babies behind when they move out of state. Please try to look past what your personal beliefs may be regarding burial, and support these families.

We love you all, and appreciate your ongoing support. Angel Watch is selling their program to Loma Linda University in California and may become a national organization. The potential for good from Wrapped in Love is enormous. God bless you for your efforts in comforting those in need of comfort.

Please make ONLY size A of this pattern. You can also buy gowns but understand that the MAJORITY of our babies are 1-3 lbs. The patterns must be very simple. These babies are extremely fragile, and difficult to dress.

http://angelbabiesinfo.com/

Love,

Tony and Jenn Kuhlmann and family

Thanks to everyone

I'd like to thank those who participated in delivering our first assortment of burial items to Wrapped in Love. Thanks to Alta Thorpe, Clinton Ward, Jennifer Jones, Jaide Kuhlmann, Kid to Kid in Sandy, Mormon Handicraft at Fort Union, and to those whose donations have not made it here yet.

We will continue our work. I spoke to Carolyn Kasteleter from Angel Watch, prenatal hospice. They serve about 30 families a year. My thought is this, if we could put together 30 burial packs for our next donation that would be great. 15 boys/15 girls that include a blanket and an outfit. This would make donations much easier for Carolyn. It would break down into 5 newborn packs, 5 preemie packs, and 5 micro-preemie packs for each gender.

If you could place a personalized note in your packs for these families that would be lovely.

Again, thank you for your compassion and willingness to serve these families during their time of great sorrow and loss.

Love,
Tony and Jennifer Kuhlmann

June 10th deadline

Well, I have begun to receive donations. My mom made micro-preemie pouches because babies that tiny cannot be dressed in clothes. It was difficult for her to make them as it brings up visual images of the sadness involved in using them.
Remember, I need all donations by June 10th so that I can prepare them for the hospital. I appreciate all of the efforts that have been made on behalf of our organization. I am several steps closer to establishing my non-profit status as a friend's husband who is an attorney will help me get this organized pro-bono. I couldn't ask for more. I want to remind you all that this is an ongoing project. I am focusing on June 13th because that is TJ's birthday, but there is a great need for these items in the Salt Lake valley. Thank you for all of your service and compassion for these sweet families. You will be blessed for your desire to give them comfort during their time of deep heartache.

Love,
Tony and Jennifer Kuhlmann